a thought on prayer

it's not so much about the religion. every kid in my family is taught to put their hands together and touch their head to the ground starting at infancy, and since i am the youngest member in my household, i've learned to burn nine sticks of incense twice a day in my grandparents' absence: in the morning after i brush my teeth and in the early evening....and a third time before i go to bed if i am extra on top of things. yesterday, was an ancestor's commemoration and i watched my twin cousins sprawled on the ground bouncing their heads against the floor laughing as they prayed. being the older one, i yelled at them like i used to be yelled at for accidentally kicking over the wine cups at the alter. my cousins going "oooooh" at the same time was my worst nightmare.

when i was younger i never knew what to pray about, so i would repeat my grandmother's words and not give it much thought. and then my great grandmother was diagnosed with cancer when i was 6 and i started praying to keep her alive. i made up a prayer that was more of rhyme complete with hand gestures and hand movements i had to recite on my trip home before i turned onto hamilton st. or else bad things would happen in my mind, a childhood self taught religion. it worked for about 2 or so years. the day that the prayer failed me, i cried through ballet class and went home to cry some more under a quilt, while curled in a ball behind my uncle wayne on the couch. i stopped praying in the car and on my car rides home.

as i get older, my prayers get more abstract. i pray for groups of people and concepts most of the time. i have been removed from my grandmother's superstitions and religion in general since my move to la. i only pray at night before i go to bed , a practice i started on my own and whenever i clean the little statue of guan yin on my desk, which is hardly ever.

tonight i am uncertain at what to pray for after another loss of someone dear and find it harder to find words to express my condolence to a friend.